she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
