hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
