someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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