I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
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We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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