My cat gives me a boner
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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