Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
