You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
