Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
