ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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