btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
