Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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