You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
