after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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