I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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