last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
