dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
