Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Hippo gnu deer
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
