Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
