in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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