Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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