saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize