my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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