Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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