So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
