You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
