why didn't you poke me back
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
