my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
