Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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