Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
