i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
