Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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