Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
