So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
These tits shall not be calmed
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
