Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
