I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
