What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
