Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
