You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
