Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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