I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
