Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
