Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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