Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I didn't notice because vodka
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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