I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
