i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
