paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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