im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
