So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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