I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
