At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
