did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
false alarm. still invincible.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
