Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
