She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
