That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
