Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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