he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
