I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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