he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
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A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
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I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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